How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage

Imagine the following scenario. Your spouse has given you an important letter to mail and is counting on you to mail it on your way to work. But you slip up...you forget all about it until you're on the way home. "Oh, #$@!!" is your first reaction. You know the spouse will be upset.

You frantically search the car and your briefcase for the letter, but it's gone. You can't find it anywhere. Now what do you do? What will you tell your spouse when you get home and he (or she) asks you if you mailed the letter?

Will you say, "It got lost" or will you say, "I lost it"? Your answer to this question gives insight into your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. According to Sidney J. Harris, "We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until ...we have stopped saying 'It got lost,' and say 'I lost it.'"

As long as you avoid taking responsibility for your actions or you look for reasons to avoid admitting you goofed, you're not being honest with yourself. When you accept responsibility and stop rationalizing and blaming, then you can start to focus on what you can do differently that will produce different results next time.

This is not easy to do. Especially if you're in the habit of placing blame elsewhere. Accepting responsibility in a marriage takes courage, above all when a spouse is at fault.

Mark, a long-time procrastinator, always had a list of reasons why he hadn't been able to get around to doing the house maintenance chores. It was too cold or too hot, he was too tired,or he didn't have the right tools or enough time. He would always promise to do the chores another day. Mark's behavior greatly irritated his wife Anne,and she began to resent his constant excuses.

It wasn't until Anne expressed her dissatisfaction with their marriage, giving Mark's habitual procrastination as one of the reasons,that Mark really looked closely at how his behavior was hurting his marriage relationship. In marriage counseling sessions, he learned to take responsibility for his part in what happened each day. He also learned to pay attention to the words he selected to describe what happened.

Mark learned that when he said, "There wasn't enough time to fix the faucet," he often really meant, "I didn't schedule enough time to complete the job today." And if he went a step further and was even more honest, he also meant,"I don't really want to do this, so I'm putting it off."

Once Mark was more aware of his behavior patterns, he was able to have an honest talk with Anne. He told her that while he didn't mind doing some of the repair jobs, he really didn't want to have to spend the time the others would require. They talked it over and decided to hire someone to do the repairs Mark knew he would in all probability never get around to doing. He made a resolution not to make promises unless he really planned to keep them. He also resolved to be honest with Anne upfront instead of dragging things out for months.

These changes made a major difference in Mark and Anne's relationship. Anne didn't feel like "the nagging wife" any longer, and Mark didn't mislead her by making false promises. Less friction in the marriage allowed them time to focus on each other's good points and to enjoy more harmony in their relationship.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

Going to beat 70 Calgary Herald,  Canada - Jan 8, 2009 This holiday season, while most of us were enjoying our new gifts, one Calgary couple was celebrating a gift 70 years in the making. ...

Examiner.com

Same-Sex Marriage: Wedding Priestess Believes. But Washington Post ... Examiner.com - Dec 18, 2008 by Ann Keeler Evans, Philadelphia Marriage Examiner "Oh," says WP, pulling her hair. Reading the Washington Post today, I came across an editorial proposing ...

Cameroon: STV's Consty Ties Nuptial Knot AllAfrica.com, Washington - Jan 5, 2009 The year 2008 would have rounded off without any major romantic event until STV's rising star, Constantain Mbom took the stage with Mercy Ngahene Assama in ...

Downtown Express

NYC aims to compete with Vegas weddings USA Today - Jan 7, 2009 By Mary Altaffer, AP NEW YORK (AP) — Watch out, Las Vegas: New York City wants to become the new No. 1 place to tie the knot. Mayor Michael Bloomberg has ... Lower Manhattan Seeks To Become Wedding Capital Of US With Upgrade ... Gant Daily all 254 news articles

Austrian Marriage Traditions PWO, France - Jan 6, 2009 Australia a land with the soaring snow topped mountains, deep forests, alpine meadows and fairy tale castles is a paradise for the classic weddings. ...

Wedding woe for woman who has never existed Hucknall Today, UK - Dec 31, 2008 By Rhys Thomas THE AMAZING 85-year-old woman, exposed by the Dispatch as someone who has never officially existed, has had to postpone her wedding. ...

Proud to be from Massachusetts Bay Windows, MA - Dec 23, 2008 by Melody Howard Ritt More than 20 years of married life in a small town south of Boston did nothing to prepare my husband, Jay, and me for the reality of ...

A Cheap Wedding in Las Vegas PWO, France - Dec 14, 2008 There are some costs that you can't avoid and that is your marriage license!You will need this to get married anywhere and is easy to obtain. ...

Gays protest governor’s wedding Queensland Pride, Australia - Dec 14, 2008 Gays and lesbians and their allies have protested the marriage of Florida Governor Charlie Crist who supported a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage ...

Pallard retires as marriage commissioner BCLocalNews, Canada - Dec 16, 2008 By Carrie White - Golden Star Pallard has decided that it is time to step away from her beloved job as a marriage commissioner for the Golden area. ...